It has come to our attention - via helpful back channels that owe much more to the absurd breadth of our municipal bureaucracy than to any particular person or point of influence - that there are three privately owned giraffes registered with the city of New York.
This ridiculous sounding fact has been privately verified to us by former officials from the NYC Department of Animal Control - "off the record." Our sources could not confirm - or would not - which of the city's five boroughs might contain them; nor if they are owned by a single individual / business interest or by separate ones; one giraffe perhaps belonging to some strange church, another to an agency that rents animals for the production of television commercials, perhaps on Staten Island. But they are real, and no, they are not at a zoo.
Has one of our stranger billionaires removed the third floor - without proper permits, I suspect - of his brownstone overlooking Central Park East? Does one live stooped over in some Harlem apartment, never able to raise its neck, adopted as a baby by a black nationalist? It reminds us of an incident somewhat recently where a man, in the Bronx, I believe, kept a "pet" tiger, amongst many other illegal animals, in his housing project apartment. The people who lived in those projects knew perfectly well what was going on: he was called the Tiger Man. Kids would come by to look. When asked - as he was being arrested for not registering his tiger with Animal Control - why he had no appropriate paperwork for the animal, he famously replied: "I had a steel door! Why do I need paperwork?"
It is easy to think of worst case scenarios. We want to believe that they lead a beautiful life. But we do not, and until we know what conditions these three giraffes live under, here in our strange city, we can not relax, or live comfortably, for our anxiety festers. Our cynicism is such.
Simply, our outrage must be shared. Join with us. Free the Three!!!
Yours in conflict, Charles Liquor and Valerie Swimming"